Local father, Mr. Goggy Coffee, admitted last night that, despite being told multiple times to remember the green beans, he simply forgot. Authorities arrived to find the children, Isaac, 5, and Vivianna, 2, finishing plates of Boca burgers, pickle slices, and cups of fruit cocktail.
"I put the can and the can opener right next to the microwave," wife, Laurie, told authorities. “I just went out to dinner with a friend. I was wrong thinking I'd be able to leave them alone with him for an evening. But by the time I got home it was too late. The Dallas Cowboys had already called, declining to send recruiters to Isaac's upcoming flag football game. And the New York City Ballet is on caller ID but I can't bring myself to even listen to the answering machine.”
Although Mr. Goggy has been unavailable for comment, witnesses state he was hysterical, claiming he'd seek professional help, marriage counseling, anything. “I always knew it would come to this,” stated his mother-in-law. “He forgot to brush the kids' teeth before bedtime a few months ago. There's no telling what he's capable of next.”
Mr. Goggy's mother has issued the following statement: “It is true that my son called me that night. He was frantic. 'What do I do? Isaac's on the toilet and he can't poop. Vivi's bouncing on our bed trying to eat a bag of unopened Skittles.'It's sad when a mother has to speak the words that condemn her own son, but he should be shot for what he's done.”
The children, as well as Mrs. Goggy, were examined by paramedics and were released with only minor emotional damage.
Dedicated to Laurie...sorry, Honey, it won't happen again.