For those of you who aren't able to check out Adoptive Families Magazine, they posted the article, The Waiting Game. Their edit is not too different from my own until the end. So I've included an excerpt from what didn't make it in the magazine.
We recently celebrated the one year anniversary of the court date finalizing her adoption. We spent the day at the mall where we ate lunch, built her a teddy bear, and ate a large sugar cookie with “Forever Family” iced on. When we got home, we pulled out some home movies of the four years between the infertility and birth of our daughter. Seeing my wife and myself during this time gave me a different perspective on grief. I thought the despair would be evidenced on our faces and taint the holidays and special occasions we were filming. But as I looked for signs, I didn’t see any. In the videos taken the first couple years of our marriage, my wife had a beaming smile as she opened her Christmas presents from me. But what wasn’t in the video was her crying herself to sleep that night as she mourned the passing of another holiday without children.
I thought about our celebration day and realized that I hadn’t let any grief or fear defeat me or ruin my day. The idea that something wrong could happen never entered my mind. I didn’t have to dread a phone call or emails with bad news. I could allow myself to rejoice that sometimes things do work out. I was free to spend the day with my wife without worrying that she could break down into tears at any moment. Without my greatest fear, that one day my daughter could be gone or taken, I’m not only free to enjoy my life with her, but to enjoy my days with her, to love her, to kiss her, to play with her.